Qawwamoon: Protectors and Maintainers By Rahmanara Chowdhury

Page no:1Qawwamoon
"Protectors & Maintainers'
Rahmanara Chowdhury
m

Page no:2CONTENTS
Introduction
Section 1: Nikah
Chapter Nikah: Every Human Dream
Chapter 2 The Purpose of Marriage
Chapter 3 Male and Female: Back to Basics
Chapter 4 Gender Roles within Marriage
Chapter 5 Aspiring towards the True Islamic Character
Chapter 6 Achieving True Marital Intimacy
6
Section 4: Helping the Oppressor
11
12
15
19
25
27
33
79
Chapter 1 A Collective Obligation Chapter 2 Responsibility of Community Leaders Chapter 3 Responsibility of Community Members Chapter 4 Responsibility of Family and Friends Chapter 5 Role of the Victim
Chapter 6 Responsibility of the Perpetrator
Section 5: On the Road to Recovery
Chapter 1 Stages of Recovery
80
82
85
87
89
93
Section 2: The Human Impact of Abuse
35
Chapter 2 Approaching Recovery
Chapter 1 Underestimating the Impact
40
Chapter 2 Psychological Impact
44
Chapter 3 Understanding Patience Chapter 4 Trials as Opportunities
Chapter 3 Emotional Impact
47
Chapter & Physical Impact
49
Chapter 5 Sexual Impact
51
Chapter 5 Dealing with Anger and Resentment Chapter 6 Forgiveness
Chapter 7 Finding Yourself Again
Chapter 6 Financial Impact
Chapter 7 Spiritual Impact
Chapter & Impact on Children and Parenting Chapter 9 Why do Women Stay?
Section 3: Helping the Oppressed
Chapter Leaving Domestic Abuse Chapter 2 Role of Family and Friends Chapter3 Role of Community Members Chapter 4 Role of Community Leaders Chapter 5 Role of Perpetrators Chapter 6 Role of Victims
***8
60
53
Chapter 8 Learning to Trust Again
55
58
Final Words
Glossary of Arabic Terms
Bibliography
63
122188
66
69
72
74
76
78
95
98
103
105
109
112
114
117
119
124
126
127

Page no:3QAWWAAMOON
When I was young and vulnerable I depended on you totally
I needed you to ensure my four walls Were those of protection, love and nurturing.
As I was meant to grow into an independent child Able to explore the world with my little feet
I relied on you to make it an adventure
An exciting journey of development and growth.
It was the years where I was meant to be
Your little princess, safe always
One where you would mourn the thought
Of your little baby growing up and getting married one day
A day you would have to let go.
"I have no voice daddy but I need you
My very survival depends on you."
In the years of discipline and learning
My dependence on you was meant to increase but be different
The world was clear to your mature eyes
You were suppose to guide me and teach me
Direct me to that which is best for me in every way
The rules may have been strict but like a bitter medicine
You were supposed to know what would help, protect and nurture. "I'm so young daddy, full of life and bubbling with energy Help me to grow, be happy and maintain these qualities always."
As I developed into my young adult years There should have been much to be celebrated Achievements, experiences, choices and goals They should have been mutual experiences
Times for sharing, laughter and discussions
Times for you and I both to be proud.
They should have been the baby steps
Of leaps into adulthood
You should have been there, a soft smile on your graceful face
As you pictured your little princess
And the path you had shared until now
Clinging on, yearning for a few more years
But knowing you would have to let go.
"Guide me and help me to choose with care daddy
For my heart is innocent and knows nothing else."
I entered your life as a gift from our Lord Precious, to be looked after, protected and respected A trust beyond trust
A sacred bond, based on affection and mercy
A chance to taste that tranquillity
In the harshness of the bitter world
Someone to lean on and be leaned on in return
Someone to give to and gain from with no expectations
A
development of patience
A show of true strength was required of you.
A sign of your manhood
In the gentleness of your character,
Actions and words
A tenderness to be reciprocated
A source of strength, solace and wisdom
For mutual benefit, friendship and companionship. "Honour me as God expects of you my companion It's daunting and I'm trusting you."
A time of immense bonding, of exclaiming our Lord's bounty With the welcome of little toes and fingers
Clasping trustingly at our giant sized thumbs

Page no:416
QAWWANOON PROTECTORS AND MAINTAINERS
The Qur'an states: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find tranquillity in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." [Qur'an 30:21]
Two qualities are mentioned in this verse regarding finding that tranquillity and what Allah s has placed between the hearts of the spouses. These are affection and mercy. We should take some time to really think about this and what the implications are.
Without affection a marriage becomes void of life and soul, it will wither away and die. Both spouses need affection. It does not matter that each has their flaws, for that is the nature of human beings; we have our flaws and weaknesses but we also have our positives and strengths. This is what we should be focussing on and bringing to light and reminding each other of. It is what adds softness and warmth and safety to the marriage.
The second quality is mercy. Without this mercy there is only darkness, anxiety, pain and suffering. We all make mistakes and we depend on the mercy of each other in order to overcome the mistakes we will inevitably make. If we require this for our own selves, should we not at the very least offer it in return to our spouses of all people? The closest member of our family? If we show no mercy to those whom we have greatest responsibilities towards, how can we expect to receive it in return? When we do not show mercy we only show how hard-hearted we have become and how selfish and cruel we can be. It is a reflection of how much improvement we need to make within ourselves. However, it does not have to be that way. We have a choice. With that affection and mercy, we can and should encourage each other to constantly improve for one goal only: for the pleasure of our Lord. It is a way to get closer to our Creator essentially for our own eternal success. It should be noted that encouragement is different to putting someone down and belittling others. Striving to understand
NIKAM
17
the difference between the two and acting upon being encouraging will only bring us benefit and help to unite individuals.
to
Everyone knows that marriage is not easy and takes a lifetime of hard work and effort. That is, everyone who is married knows that and those young ones who have not had exposure to married life continue to look upon it as a bed of roses from which they assume the thorns have been removed. The reality, however, is that it is in our hands make it easier upon each other. It is also an opportunity for each individual to truly excel in their character and raise their status with Allah se for it is within the home environment where if one can perfect their character, to no outside witnesses and for no ulterior motives except the pleasure of their Lord, that a person can truly reach a status that we cannot even begin to imagine. A person who maintains the best of character with the closest members of their family where it is normally so easy to let our standards slip and allow our emotions to get the better of us, is one who is an example to us all.
of
We have seen this perfect example in the life of the final Prophet and that is what we should all be striving towards whether we are male or female, young or old. It is this very character within the privacy our homes that prove those who have the most perfect of faith, for it is they who have that fear and consciousness of Allah s behind closed doors who understand and know that Allah s watches them though the gazes of people may not, and that it is Allah s to Whom they shall return and be accountable for their deeds to. This is a person who has perfected their faith as much as we humans are able to.
In the Qur'an we are told about spouses that "they are your garments and you are their garments". What does that mean? When we look at the purpose of clothes, they are numerous: to protect us from the conditions of the weather, to protect our modesty and shame, to conceal our bodies and private aspects, to keep us warm and cool, and many more. So does this not tell us clearly what the purpose of marriage is? How we are required to be there to protect each other and maintain one another's honour and dignity? To hide from the rest of
4 Qur'an 2:38

Page no:5"Men are the Qawwamoon [Protectors and Maintainers] of women..." [Qur'an 4:34]
Domestic abuse has sadly reached alarming levels and threatens to destroy the very fabric of society. As part of that society, it is our collective and individual responsibility to educate ourselves about the causes and effects of this epidemic so that we can all work to prevent it happening while having the understanding to support those that are directly affected.
Qawwamoon: Protectors and Maintainers is a book for us all: to raise awareness in the male population of their divinely prescribed role as protectors and maintainers of women; to highlight the devastating impact of domestic abuse for members of the public; to inform community leaders and professionals as to how best to effectively help both the oppressor and the oppressed; and, last but not least, it aims to provide a voice for victims of domestic abuse, emotional support and practical advice for the road to recovery.
Rahmanara Chowdhury is a Counsellor and Trainer specialising in the field of Domestic Violence. She has developed her own faith based 'Road to Recovery' programme for victims who have left domestic violence as well as numerous training courses for professionals, community leaders, and members of the public. She received her Bachelor of Science Degree in Ergonomics from Loughborough University, UK, and is currently undertaking further academic training in both Psychology and the Islamic Sciences.
Ta-Ha Publishers Ltd. Unit 4, The Windsor Centre Windsor Grove, West Norwood London, SE27 9NT, UK
97818421001622